Dead Poet's Society

Dead Poet's Society was one of my favorite movies in high school. It probably still is but I haven't watched since. It was in the Jill's Picks section of the movie store i worked at in high school. Its one of those really inspiring, reaches right into your heart kinda movies. I cry my eyes out in movies pretty easily, but only a few very memorable ones are the kind that not only make me cry, but move me so much that i am bawling.. no, wailing and gulping for air loudly. So much so that my mom gets out of bed in the middle of the night to see what's wrong. This movie did that. This isn't bad. It feels so good to feel that much!

Why am I writing about this? I often read friends quotes on their blogs. I just love them and think geez, where do people find all these wonderful quotes? I wish I could just pull a few out of the back of my head. So I was thinking. This was one that came to mind. And its from this movie.... But by a famous poet.

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself

A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough

without ever having felt sorry for itself"

D.H Lawrence

I don't know what it was about this poem that really gets me; that has me remembering it a decade later. But I know through a lot of hard times I thought of this and knew it could be worse. It also helped me to push harder, to quit complaining and to know I could do better, do more, and be positive. It inspired me. Cheer's to poetry, and quotes!

A Milestone

River has been hangin' with us in the world now for FOUR WEEKS! That's kinda a big deal. Four weeks also comes with a few pretty big landmarks according to me.

One. River made his first trip to his cabin. His first trip to the lake. (Never mind that the cabin had been broken into which we discovered upon our arrival and we momentarily feared for his life.....) He still got to go for a walk to the store and meet Mr. Logan, have morning coffee on the deck and meet all the neighbours. And he didn't cry once on the way. Kinda a big deal... kinda.

Monumental event number Two. River slept 4 hours three times this weekend. Twice at night which was a gift. And once during the day. (Never mind that he spent an entire day after feeding every 1 to 2 .5 hours where he guzzled for a few minutes either to pass out and refuse to eat any more or else then proceed to scream like a tortured child for the next hour.) Have to celebrate what we can .

Three. River slept in his crib. River likes his lake crib! (Never mind this was only during the day and never at night.. and it has never happened at home. its a start!)

Four. River grew out of his newborn diapers... and graduated to size one. (Tear) My boy is growing so fast! (no never mind for this one :)

And to top off his four week birthday.....

Five. River was circumcised on his 4 wk birthday... He was a trooper. But it was really hard for us!

So so much has changed these short four weeks its hard to keep up... It feels like we were just in the hospital yesterday. This first month or almost, has been so precious. I know I will forget with time and that makes me sad. I wish I could save these days as the most vivid memories in my mind. I can see why people want to repeat this over and over again.....To have this all over again... Although I am nowhere near wanting more kids yet! It feels like the days just fly by and I'm not sure I did much of anything. I wonder if I'm doing a good job. I wonder if he's ok. I wonder if I should be doing something different. I've been feeling so thankful I have my mom. I think of my mom not only growing up without a mom of her own, but also having babies without a mom to ask questions and have come to help in so many ways. I am so thankful for my mom. For my parents. For my husband...And all my friends and family who are just wonderful.

Life with River

Well I've wondered how to even begin to journal about all that has happened in the past 3 and a half short weeks.

These days have completely changed my life. And I don't want to go back.

Although I've heard every cliche' in the book, and knowing things would be different, until going through this experience of becoming a mom, I never understood. Not really. I won't even get into the labour, or the delivery, or the hospital experience..... All were different than I expected... and I really didn't have very many expectations... I felt totally unprepared (although I was probably way more prepared than most) and just went with the flow.... But it actually wasn't bad, compared to my imagination at least! Everything and everyone was more calm and happy than I had expected (including me......but that was 100% because of the epidural). Chris was amazing, and every single doctor and nurse was kind, supportive, and attentive in both labor and delivery and on postpartum... (minus one horribly awful lab tech) but does that count? I'm pretty impressed with RUH from my experience. I see a lot of the bad and negative aspects of everything at work, and I really only can say positive things; this is amazing to me. Although I felt terrible and went through more than I thought I was capable of, I can actually say it all truly paled when compared with what we got in return for all of this.

Being a mom.

I've been trying to find words to express what this means to me. All I can say is that I have completely fallen in love with my little boy! In the hospital Chris and I would just lie there and stare at him in amazement and awe, often in tears, with the little miracle that he is. And I'm sure like every parent, we feel he is just perfect.

His little hands that grab our fingers, his soft soft skin, his beautiful smell that I just want to bottle up and keep forever, his little expressions that already tell us that he is his own little person, sometimes so stubborn and entertaining that we know we are in for some fun times ahead. I am overcome with joy sometimes, especially in the quiet wee hours of the morning when I am so tired I can hardly open my eyes, but its just me and him on the chair in his room, him on the pillow that he has already learned is a comfort against his skin, and I feel like I want to give him everything, and protect him from everything. (I even walk toward busy streets when we're walking and some guy walking a dog turns down the street I'm on because I'm convinced he must want to steal him... Can you say crazy lunatic? What happened to the days I would think he wanted to hit on me or something?)

River loves to be held. Insists on it actually. Screams at the top of his lungs until he is. I've been wondering lately if this is a problem. He is held almost always and can't be laid down anywhere to sleep unless he has fallen asleep on our chest first. He almost always settles when his is placed against our chests. Its his favorite thing in life so far. They say its because he has lived close to me and hearing my heart beat for 9 months and this big noisy stimulating world takes a while to get used to. I realized these past few days that I am not going to worry if my son wants to be held. I absolutely love cuddling him! His quick and hot breath on my neck, his warmth, his head nuzzled into me... I am the luckiest! I cry just thinking that someday probably not too far away he will not want to be kissed and cuddled by his mom. So for now, I am going to sniff, and kiss, and hug, and hold my little boy.... and love every minute of it.....I'll worry about the rest later!

River is 3 and a half weeks old already. My tiny boy that was swimming in his newborn sleepers is now fitting them perfectly. My baby has chubby cheeks. It is the most obvious reminder that time is speeding by way to fast. That nothing lasts. Nothing stays the same no matter how bad you want it to. I want to cherish it all! Now if I could only sleep a few hours. Grandma is here tonight to give us a break.. we get to share a bed. who knew that would be such a luxury!

Here's a few pics of River and his favorite place to sleep. And us looking a little tired!