These days have completely changed my life. And I don't want to go back.
Although I've heard every cliche' in the book, and knowing things would be different, until going through this experience of becoming a mom, I never understood. Not really. I won't even get into the labour, or the delivery, or the hospital experience..... All were different than I expected... and I really didn't have very many expectations... I felt totally unprepared (although I was probably way more prepared than most) and just went with the flow.... But it actually wasn't bad, compared to my imagination at least! Everything and everyone was more calm and happy than I had expected (including me......but that was 100% because of the epidural). Chris was amazing, and every single doctor and nurse was kind, supportive, and attentive in both labor and delivery and on postpartum... (minus one horribly awful lab tech) but does that count? I'm pretty impressed with RUH from my experience. I see a lot of the bad and negative aspects of everything at work, and I really only can say positive things; this is amazing to me. Although I felt terrible and went through more than I thought I was capable of, I can actually say it all truly paled when compared with what we got in return for all of this.
Being a mom.
I've been trying to find words to express what this means to me. All I can say is that I have completely fallen in love with my little boy! In the hospital Chris and I would just lie there and stare at him in amazement and awe, often in tears, with the little miracle that he is. And I'm sure like every parent, we feel he is just perfect.
His little hands that grab our fingers, his soft soft skin, his beautiful smell that I just want to bottle up and keep forever, his little expressions that already tell us that he is his own little person, sometimes so stubborn and entertaining that we know we are in for some fun times ahead. I am overcome with joy sometimes, especially in the quiet wee hours of the morning when I am so tired I can hardly open my eyes, but its just me and him on the chair in his room, him on the pillow that he has already learned is a comfort against his skin, and I feel like I want to give him everything, and protect him from everything. (I even walk toward busy streets when we're walking and some guy walking a dog turns down the street I'm on because I'm convinced he must want to steal him... Can you say crazy lunatic? What happened to the days I would think he wanted to hit on me or something?)
River loves to be held. Insists on it actually. Screams at the top of his lungs until he is. I've been wondering lately if this is a problem. He is held almost always and can't be laid down anywhere to sleep unless he has fallen asleep on our chest first. He almost always settles when his is placed against our chests. Its his favorite thing in life so far. They say its because he has lived close to me and hearing my heart beat for 9 months and this big noisy stimulating world takes a while to get used to. I realized these past few days that I am not going to worry if my son wants to be held. I absolutely love cuddling him! His quick and hot breath on my neck, his warmth, his head nuzzled into me... I am the luckiest! I cry just thinking that someday probably not too far away he will not want to be kissed and cuddled by his mom. So for now, I am going to sniff, and kiss, and hug, and hold my little boy.... and love every minute of it.....I'll worry about the rest later!
River is 3 and a half weeks old already. My tiny boy that was swimming in his newborn sleepers is now fitting them perfectly. My baby has chubby cheeks. It is the most obvious reminder that time is speeding by way to fast. That nothing lasts. Nothing stays the same no matter how bad you want it to. I want to cherish it all! Now if I could only sleep a few hours. Grandma is here tonight to give us a break.. we get to share a bed. who knew that would be such a luxury!
Here's a few pics of River and his favorite place to sleep. And us looking a little tired!
4 comments:
awwwwwwwwwwww. jill, this blog post made me cry. for some reason i just loved reading this thru your eyes. through out the whole thing i could say amen to all that you were saying - even the part about the man walking and you thinking he wanted to steal him. i can understand that totally. so no you are not nuts. well unless we both are.
maybe we should walk together then. lol.
you have impressed me so much and become this beautiful mother. keep up the blog posts when you have time but make sure cuddleing that little man comes first.
love ya and thank you for sharing.
a sak
awwwww, is right manda!! love it jill. serious. your words are so heartfelt...thanks for them, i love how you said you'd never want to go back......good for me to hear that.....b/c at time life is tryin!!! but we all know , none of us would trade them for ANYTHING!!!
river, chris & you, are the cutest, and i'm so amazed at how perfect you've all fit into this change in your life....keep it up!! i'm the proudest cousin.....
luv yu all.
juan
your are beautiful as a mom...amazing how that happens so naturally when your little love arrives. thanks for blogging ;) love u tam
Very beautiful and well said words... I feel like I am hearing them directly from your mouth over a cup of coffee. You are already a great mom, just like we all knew you would be. I am so proud of you and can't wait to meet River...
love from Calgary.
hr
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